The Day My Sister Died

May 6th, 2010

For those who have not heard, my biological sisters are alive. Chill out. Now, let’s get on with what I came to write.

This blog will probably get more “hits” than any blog I have ever written. I don’t doubt that at all. A lot of people will come simply to keep up on the drama that has unfolded in the last few days. To those people: I don’t even want you to read this. This is not to you. This is to those who legitmately care about my feelings and those who have been asking me questions. Please find your way to the X at the top of the screen. Thanks.To those who have come because they have been concerned about me:

A lot of you have questions as to what happened, why, and how I (and many others) have been affected. I have gotten a lot of “OMG are you ok?” “I am sorry, I know you two were close.” “I can’t believe she did that to you and the rest.” Blah blah blah. Following is what happened, my thoughts on it, how it makes me feel, and answers to any questions that have been asked.

WHAT: To those who are confused. I will start at the beginning. A little over 3 years ago, I found this site called Stickam. Stickam is a site where someone can open a video chatting room. In addition to the host, 6 people can be on their cameras. There is also a “chat box,” in which conversation happens. You get the point. The first place I went after creating an account, was in a room of a DJ from Maui, named Shaggy. Shaggy was the DJ of a reggae radio station, who had started doing an online show. I began talking to some of the people in the chatroom, and instantly became a fan of reggae music. None of which I had been exposed to in such large quantities.

Shaggy’s show was every Monday through Friday, and as a stay at home mom, that worked for me. It was in the afternoon, during naptime. PERFECT. Two of the people I spoke with every day (among many others.):

Kaitlin (ieatmousetraps): A cute, funny and sweet girl from Ohio.

Sam (oxsamxo): A gorgeous girl a few years younger than me, who lived in Mass, had an annoying little sister and an adorable little brother. She had the personality every girl wants.

Kaitlin, Sam and I became like the three muskateers of Shaggy’s room. We were close friends.

You have probably guessed by now, that Sam’s name is in bold for a reason. Sam and I became very, very close…very, very quickly. Over the course of the next 3 years, Sam and I would share laughs, secrets, tears, frustrations, advice… I can go on, but you get the point. Sam became like a third little sister to me. A lot of people thought, and still think, we are biological sisters. We let people think that, it didn’t matter, and we considered each other such, anyway.

Then on May 5, 2010, something tragic happened. I got a direct message from a guy Sam had been involved with online, “dated” but had never met. Bryan told me of a link he had received from a mutual friend, and asked me to look at it. As I read what was on this blog, my heart fell. My stomach became a knot, and I felt sick. “oxsamxo” was a fake.

There had been things that made me question her identity, based on the photos posted on several social networking sites. Sam had never been on camera…in 3 years on a site revolving around cam-chatting. That was red flag #1.  Red flag #2 was when Bryan was in Boston and Sam was “too busy” to see him. She said she had a birthday party to attend. Whether or not that was true, I don’t know.  Maybe she did have a party to attend and really didn’t have time to see Bryan. They weren’t together at the time, so another thing I thought, was that it hurt her too much to see him. But I couldn’t help but think that maybe there was something else. I pushed it aside, though. Mostly in denial of the idea that someone so close to me would lie to me.

At most, I thought she probably photo-shopped her pictures to make herself look better than she really did. But after reading the blog that was posted, showing her as a complete fake…. I was overwhelmed with disbelief. The link to the blog that was posted is:

That gives a lot of links, showing that “oxsamxo” was not who she appeared to be, including a link to her real Facebook.

As I clicked the links, my mind raced and… I can’t explain the feeling I had, looking at the pictures of the real girl, whose name appears to be Heather, thinking, “I have seen that picture.” “Sam used that picture in her profile.” I had seen most of the pictures that Heather posted… My stomach felt like it was twisted. Sam hadn’t just photoshopped pictures of herself to make her flaws disappear, she was not the girl in the pictures at all.

At first, I didn’t cry. The question of her identity was always in the back of my mind, but I pushed it there, in denial that she would hurt me that way. At first, I went back to Bryan and asked who knew. I listed a few people who I thought should know. He told me he hadn’t talked to anyone except the person who had given him the link.

Next, I called a few people I thought should know. I didn’t know how to contact one, but later found out he had been made aware, so I let it go. Then I went to her online boyfriend, whom I had only spoken to a few times, and it was about baseball then. We talked about how it made us feel, and he told me how he went about finding out that Sam wasn’t the girl she said she was.

Then I thought of Sam. No matter her identity, she was probably feeling more alone than anyone in the world at that moment. Call me too nice, but I thought of the way she felt. I sent her a text. It said, “Sam, I want you to know that I don’t hate you… I just don’t understand why.” She sent one back, saying that she had been thinking of me and that she owed me the biggest apology. I didn’t want an apology. Words don’t fix hurt like that.

I called Shaggy and Kaitlin. I went to dinner. I still hadn’t felt the effects of being lied to… Not really. When I had texted Sam, I told her I wanted to talk to her about this when we got home later.

Speaking with Sam was so hard. That is when I cried. I kept clicking between her chat box, Heather’s pictures, and Sam’s real Facebook. For about an hour, while talking to Sam, I kept her Facebook up. I tried so hard to connect the new face and the name. The new face and the personality. It was hard to see this new face and think that it was Sam. That isn’t the Sam I have known for 3 years. It isn’t. She wrote a blog, apologizing to everyone. Here is the link:

Now, my messages to Sam, and to the rest of you.


What you did isn’t okay. I know you know that. And I know you have apologized to me publicly and privately. You have apologized to Jeremy. To Kaitlin, Shaggy, Sunny… Everyone. And while apologizing is the right thing to do, words don’t fix the hurt that you have caused all of us. There is nothing that can heal this except time.

I am not trying to make you feel any worse than you already do. Trust me, talking to you, I know that is not what you need. But the depth of hurt that I feel is… That of the death of a sister. I feel like I don’t know you… There is this girl, with the same personality as my sister. But her eyes are different. Her smile is different.

I am not saying that I (we) couldn’t have accepted you as you are. We could have. It was your personality we all fell in love with. It was the laughs, the advice, the secrets, the charm of the girl who stands up for herself. I have already read Kait’s blog to you, and I agree with every word she said. I just want to stamp a huge “ditto” on it:

I am sort of speechless. The hurt didn’t really hit until this morning at work… I was unable to focus… Your face, both fake and real, kept running through my mind. I think the only way I can explain it is really the death of a sister. I can’t tell you how I feel. I have such a mix of emotions. Some are angry, some are sad, some are confused, some are just shock. Like you read above, at most, I thought you photoshopped. I didn’t think it was not my sister in those pictures.

What do I believe is real? Your personality. Your soul. Your love for being social.

But like Kait said, at this point, I don’t know what to believe. I don’t know who you are. I only know that you are a girl…based on phone calls.

Your age? Yeah that shocked me. I couldn’t believe that. And I am still shocked at the lengths a high school girl was able to go to, to fool a lot of people. It’s embarrassing to say the least. I should have listened to the voice telling me something wasn’t right.

Do I want to know who you are? Yes. You are still my little sister. I do believe that the personality was real.  I do believe that the friendship we had, was real. I still love you, I just have to start over getting to know you, and my trust… well… that goes without saying.

To the rest of you:

The biggest question I have gotten is Are you okay? — No. I am not okay. I just found out 24 hours ago that someone I trusted with more information than most people who know me in real life know… was not who she said she was.  Will I be okay? Yes.

A lot of you said “I can’t believe you would talk to her after that.” — Why not? I believe the personality is real. And people make mistakes. I believe that forgiveness is the right thing. Under every circumstance. If you know me at all, you know this is true.

“How do you even know she is who she says she is now?” I don’t. But I talked to her for 3 years, without knowing. Why is it any different now.

I know some people will call me naive. I am okay with that. But fake profile or not, there is a person behind it.

I was raised to believe that every person needs a friend. Every person needs love, and every person deserves a second chance. On formspring, someone asked me:

How many chances does someone get before you rid of them?

My answer: Does God give up on people because they hurt Him? No. How many times has He forgiven you for things you have done? Even in the worst cases of humans being hurt by other humans, shouldn’t we consider the words from Matthew 5:38-44? (Don’t know it? Look it up.) I have an odd look on life. It’s all about giving. People hurt people. Because they are just that: human. That does not make them bad people. I will quote Matthew 5:39, “If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.” Everyone has worth, and we are all human. That is all I am going to say on this subject.

I think that at this point, I will just say, “’nuff said.” Am I hurt? Yes. Will I continue to talk to and support this new Sam? Yes. Hurt will heal. Bonds made by friendships are forever. Mistakes, flaws and all, Sam is my little sister. You can disagree with my decision to continue my friendship with her. But quite literally, “WWJD?” I am not a perfect person, and neither are you. Each mistake of yours may not have affected many people, but collectively, they have hurt many people, too.

I am going to move on from this, getting to know my new little sister. It’s going to take time for the hurt to go away. It won’t be easy. But if I resent Sam for what she has done, it is only going to make me a slave to resentment. I refuse to be such.

That is all. I love my friends. Be the best person you know how to be.

2 Responses to “The Day My Sister Died”

  1. Rachel on May 6, 2010 11:33 pm

    Wow. I’m sorry you had to go through all of that, and I’m sure everyone involved (including Sam) is really hurting right now. But it sounds like you have a handle on the situation now, and you’ve figured out both how you feel and what you want to do. And that’s really important.

  2. Trezure on May 7, 2010 11:54 am

    Sorry for ur pain munks! It sounds like a horrible situation! And I can’t even wonder whAt your going through! Just wanted to show u some love!

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